Where Do Feelings Come From?
Do emotions randomly invade our minds? Is there a toddler in our heads throwing feelings around? It often seems that way—emotions just… happen. Or do they?
Imagine we're walking down the street when I suddenly tackle you. Your head is bleeding. How do you feel? Angry? Confused? Now, imagine the same scenario, but when you look up, you see a piano crashing where you were just standing—I saved your life. How do you feel now? Grateful? Likely still confused, but grateful.
In both cases, you’re on the ground, injured, because I tackled you. The difference? Your assessment of the situation. In one, I’m an attacker. In the other, a hero. Our emotions aren’t random—they’re driven by split-second judgments shaped by past experiences.
Regaining Control
Sometimes emotions feel overwhelming—we lash out in anger, freeze in fear, or suppress feelings to avoid losing control. But there’s a better way. Instead of fighting emotions, we can manage them by re-examining the thoughts that triggered them.
Consider this example: Your boss makes a harsh comment. Rage seems to immediately swell up inside of you. You storm off, fuming. Left unchecked, your nervous system will escalate your anger, making rational thinking nearly impossible as your thinking brain, (neocortex) has gone offline to allow your reactive brain to take over in an effort to manage the perceived threat.
To regain control, try this two-step strategy:
Calm Your Body. Use these techniques to reset your nervous system. (See: From Ack Brain to Ahh Brain)
Challenge Your Thoughts. Consider multiple explanations: Maybe your boss didn’t realize he was offensive. Maybe he’s having a bad day. Maybe you misheard. Maybe it triggered old wounds.
This doesn’t excuse the offense, but it puts you in a clear-headed state to respond strategically —without risking job loss, regret, or unnecessary conflict.
Emotions aren’t the enemy. They’re messengers. The key is learning to listen, assess, and choose our response rather than letting emotions dictate our actions.
Emotions in intimate relationships can get confusing fast. My "Unboxing Relationships: Building a New Cloud 9” course can help you and your intimate partner or partners create something much better! Contact me at Tiffany@SankofaUnboxed.com today. Let’s talk.
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