"'No' is a complete sentence." (Anne Lamott)
A Good Thing, and a Differently Good Thing
The other day, while I was writing, my husband came in, hugged me, and lingered. It was lovely. We have an understanding—if my office door is open, interruptions are fine. I smiled and went back to work.
Twenty minutes later, he returned, this time about a house repair. He was tired of waiting and wanted to make sure he had ordered the right thing. Suddenly, I was supremely annoyed.
Finger Pointing
My focus shattered. Shifting from what I was working on to trying to remember why I thought the thing he was going to order was wrong left my thoughts scrambled, and left me supremely annoyed. I snapped at him.
My door was open—his interruption was fair—but I resented “having” to drop everything to focus on what had his attention instead of mine. To make matters worse? I was wrong. He had the right product all along.
My husband was understandably baffled by my Jekyll-and-Hyde moment. He reminded me that he never asked me to stop working.
How DARE…
Oops. He wasn’t to blame—I was. I could have shut my door. I could have let go of his decision. If he got it wrong, it wasn’t my problem and wouldn’t be my job to correct. Instead, I let resentment take over.
All I needed to say was: “Sorry, I can’t think about that right now. Let me know if you still want my input later.”
Resentment & Boundaries
Resentment doesn’t arrive alone; it brings a whole dance of shoulds, have to’s, and musts. In truth, I was resentful of everything—society, ADHD, my schedule, past over-giving. But all of it could have been avoided with clear boundaries, or what I call “The 4 Answers”: Yes. No. Not now. Can we negotiate?
Even therapists struggle with this. So here I am, turning a mess into a blog. Long live Sh!t Theory.
Internal Opposition
Moments like these are a battle between “Shame Kid,” who fears disaster if we say no, and “Centered Adult,” who knows an automatic yes serves no one.
Shame Kid has been around since childhood, keeping us out of trouble with vague threats. But Centered Adult sees the bigger picture: Saying yes when we don’t mean it is inauthentic, fuels resentment, and erodes self-respect. Instead, a sincere Yes, No, Not Now, or Can we Negotiate? keeps us aligned with our integrity and at peace.
The next time resentment creeps in, ask yourself: Did I ignore a no? Did I default to an inauthentic yes? Reassure Shame Kid, and let them go play. Let Centered Adult take the lead.
Is resentment tearing away at the fabric of your intimate relationship? My "Unboxing Relationships: Building a New Cloud 9” course can help you and your intimate partner or partners create something much better! Contact me at Tiffany@SankofaUnboxed.com today. Let’s talk.
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