The court of human relationships does not pivot on justice; it pivots on connection.
The Clothes the Argument is Wearing
In relationships, we often focus on “the clothes the argument is wearing” rather than its true cause. We think we’re fighting about dishes or the remote, but the real issue is how we treat each other.
A partner who leaves dishes out might send the message, “What matters to you doesn’t matter to me.” A fight over the remote may reflect a deeper pattern of control. If it were just about dishes or remotes, there’d be no argument—it’s emotional injury that fuels conflict.
The Wrong Conversation
We sometimes believe that proving who’s “right” or “wrong” will bring peace, but it won’t. If I break your foot, knowing it was my fault won’t heal it. Justice belongs in courtrooms, but relationships thrive on connection.
What really matters is: Do I see your pain? Do I care that I’ve harmed you? Am I willing to help you heal?
Demystifying Empathy
Empathy fosters connection. It shows we see, value, and respect the other person—even when we disagree. We don’t need to share the same perspective to acknowledge someone’s hurt.
Empathy isn’t mystical; it’s simply recognizing and validating someone’s feelings. If I stomped on your foot, I might say, “I imagine you’re feeling hurt and angry.” You could correct me: “No, I was more confused.” I’d respond, “Yeah, I can see how that would be confusing.”
What I Didn’t Say
I didn’t rush to explain, justify, or shift blame—moves from the “Court of Justice” that create disconnection. Instead, I stayed present with your feelings.
Once we feel heard and cared for, we’re more open to hearing each other. Only then can we repair both the injury and the relationship.
Do you find yourself in arguments that feel like they go around in circles and only make more injury? My "Unboxing Relationships: Building a New Cloud 9” course can help you and your intimate partner or partners create something much better! Contact me at Tiffany@SankofaUnboxed.com today. Let’s talk!
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